Recently, I was taking a Zumba class and the lovely young, lithe Zumba teacher was taking us through the steps.
Now although I can dance, I was stumbling and seriously felt like I had two left feet — just when I felt I got the steps, they changed!
I caught a glimpse of an old woman trying hard to keep up and then realised it was me! What a sad and sorry sight I initially thought. Then my thought when to Hang on, I’m here, I’m participating and I’m doing this for me.
This got me thinking about my life and the things that used to matter but now They. Just. Don’t.
I came up with the following insights and, in reflection, they are probably a blueprint for life. Let’s start with self-acceptance and approval of oneself.
1. Acceptance and Approval
When I was young, like all of us, I desperately wanted acceptance and approval, to fit in with a group and certainly not be on the outer. As a young woman I went to aerobic classes (ok it was the 80’s) and consequently mastering the moves — I was a bit un-co (un-coordinated). When this happened, my cheeks would start to feel warm and turn red in embarrassment and I felt mortified that I couldn’t do the moves.
I thought people were looking at me and thinking I was stupid for not keeping up, so I positioned myself right at the back of the class so no-one would see me, and eventually I didn’t go back.
I remember attending a Zumba class for mature ladies in the States, and there was one woman in the group who danced to the beat of her own drum. She looked like she was in a trance! She was doing her own thing. She certainly wasn’t looking for acceptance or approval, she was having fun!
So why is it that we seem to need acceptance and approval from total fucking strangers? Ones that don’t matter in your life and furthermore, ones you will probably never meet again.
We are all drowning in our own self-concern. Even when we do notice, comment, judge others, it’s in reference to ourselves. The world is a giant mirror
RealisationOnce I realised that I would probably never see these people again it changed how I went about doing things. Now in my 60’s I realise no-one is looking at you. They are too busy looking at themselves in the mirror!!
2. Spending too much time working (or at work, or stressing about work)
Seriously what was I thinking? I started my teaching career in my early 20’s and kept going till I turned 60. Was it a great career? Yes! I won excellence awards for teaching, wrote textbooks, learning materials, ran the student body single handed whilst running a teaching department (more awards and accolades), got involved with online delivery and all the projects involved to get that up and running. Heady days.
But if i have one regret in my life it was that I didn't spend enough time having fun with the kids. Yes, I did all the birthday party things (you should have seen some of the cakes I managed to bake!), sports things, dance things etc etc, but gee was I present parent during that time? I was very a harassed parent — tired, grumpy, bad-tempered — ok you get the picture.
The reality is, if you’re away for a prolonged period of time from work, or not working at all, you are forgotten. Hell, I left one college I had worked at for over 25 years and I didn’t even get a morning tea coffee and cake send off!
What really matters are your family and close friends. This is more important than deadlines, budgets, and trying to avoid conflicts at work. Make time for those who really matter, not ones who forget you once you are out of the picture.
Realisation
My mistake was that I felt my self-worth was somehow tied up with my work.
Minimalising
I moved a bit. I must have some gypsy blood in me. As I left each home, I carried the purchases and the gifts of life along the way. I held on to things that were given to me, even from childhood — toys, books, mementos, kitchenware thinking that the people who had given them to me would feel said if I threw them out.
They were weighing me down. I began looking at each of these items are little more intently and wondering why I was holding on to them. Guilt? Come in handy some day?
They never did come in handy and the guilt? Well the people who gifted them wouldn’t even know what they’d given to me. I decluttered
Out went dinner plates, platters, fancy dishes and glasses for dinner parties that never happened
Out went metres and metres of fabric and patterns (I used to work for a pattern company) of garments I would never make — so I moved them on.
Mementos I had collected over my life? I held them, I remembered, they didn’t bring me joy so they were gone too.
All the furniture housing them — gone too.
The tossing out began and it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
Realisation
Biggest realisation? If I really needed something of which I had rid myself, I could almost always get it at Vinnes (goodwill stores).
Materialism and Money
I lived through the decade of greed and wanting shiny things. I also lived through a sad marriage and painful divorce. I would buy shiny things to make me happy. I associated buying things with happiness. I bought many shiny things, but it didn’t change my unhappy state.
The shiny things were a cover to how I was truly feeling (low self-esteem, feelings of unworthiness) and the thrill of a new purchase was a quick way to alleviate those feelings.
I eventually did some self help on myself and once I was mentally in a better place, the need for shiny things went by the wayside as I realised that money doesn’t bring you happiness. It makes your life comfortable but doesn’t make you entirely happy.
Realisation
I realised that shiny things were a cover.
COVID-19
When I began to write about things that didn’t matter it was because a friend and I challenge each other to write on a topic. She had selected things that don’t matter.
This was all before COVID-19 struck. I had let this slide as I read what was going on in the world. Now when I review what I have written it stands truer than before.
Whilst in quarantine I think many of us will review our lives and look at the things that used to matter and decided that most probably don’t matter at all.
Can I send a challenge to you? What are the things that used to matter but now don’t?
Note: My writing accountability partner (friend first) Colleen and I both wrote on this topic. Read her story on her blog.
